I fell off the ball.

I fell off the exercise ball yesterday during Jazzercise. 

See, I've been in a little bit of a funk since before Christmas.  Maybe because my parents were far away for the holidays.  Maybe because it's been raining for 471 days (or something like that).  Maybe because Kevin's been working a lot.  But for whatever reason, the funk settled in.  I have been diligently trying to pray my funk away, begging God to give me some relief from my bad mood or at the very least, please help me stop snapping at my kids.  I woke up yesterday morning determined to be gentle, but by 8:30 I was shouting, "Get out of the dog kennel and put your shoes on for the love of Pete!!!"

Maybe I need a good work out, I thought, so I went to the high impact class at Jazzercise.  I am not a high impact kind of gal, but I was desperate.  Somewhere around the last 3/4 of the class she asked us to grab an exercise ball.  You're probably all familiar with exercise balls.  They look like a great load of fun until you have to use them and then it becomes painfully obvious that the devil probably invented them and sells them at outrageous prices from the gates of hell. 

And that's when it happened.....at the height of my emotional and physical frustration, I fell off the ball.

I don't even know what I did to fall off.  One minute I was on top of it trying to make my chest and abdominals "look like a table top" and the next minute my booty was on the ground.  The ball had flown out from underneath me and the person exercising behind me caught it. 

There's nothing like a little humility to remind you who is God and who is not. 

Okay, God, I give.  Show me.

Because I can't even stay on top of the stupid exercise ball these days and I need some help.  I've literally hit my the bottom.  Show me the way out of this mood.

Later that afternoon I walked in on Michael (8) fussing at Parker (2 1/2) for scattering a deck of cards all over the room.  It was like someone had recorded my voice and was playing it back through my son.  Aaaaahhh, I thought.  There it is.  When your children fussing at one another becomes the blessing you need to snap you out of it.  The Lord does work in mysterious ways.  Mysterious, but mighty.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways,
And my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and snow come down from heaven
And do not return to it without watering the earth
And making it bud and flourish,
So that it yields seed for the sower
And bread for the eater,
So is my word that goes out from my mouth.
It will not return to me empty,
But will accomplish what I desire
And achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out with joy
and be led forth in peace...." Isaiah 55:8-12

Will today be better?  Yes, I think so.  The turtles were back in the creek when we walked to school this morning.  That's got to be a sign.  But in case you're running short of your own signs, remember His word.  That His way is high and mighty and good.  That His will for you is joy and peace.  That His plan has a purpose, and His purpose will succeed. 

XOXO....Kelly

I want it all.

I just read the most freeing, amazing thing in the world the other day.  From Sarah Young's (author of Jesus Calling) 40 Days with Jesus.....

"I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me.  Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life.  You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted.  But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world.  Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all."

Oh, Hallelujah!  It's like all the crazies in my head flew away and exploded in the sunlight!  To be affirmed that my day, my life as a busy mother of four is not hopeless, not void of a relationship with God just because my laundry room is full of clothes, my floor is filthy and all the dishes need put away.  It turns out chaos is not an absolute deterrent for a faith-filled life, which is excellent news around here.....

(yes, there is also a dog playing the piano in this picture)

Because here is the ugly, honest truth about me.

I want it all.

I want to know God and walk with Jesus and feel His Spirit, and I want the bathrooms clean at the same time.  Is that too much to ask?

I want to cook dinner for my family, and teach my kids about following Christ.

I want to volunteer and serve my husband, and hear God's voice.

And I can!  I can have it all!  I do not have to choose.  I certainly don't see all these things as equal.  I understand the need for balance, the danger in thinking my ways are higher than His.  But I can enjoy (or sometimes not enjoy!) a day so busy and full of action and still go to sleep feeling His peace at night. 

Can you??

Quit making God's peace seem so unattainable.  Quit thinking you need a spiritual retreat and a trip up the mountain to know He is there.  God is here, now, in the midst of it all.  He meets us where we are.  In the middle of the night, He whispers to the mother rocking her child back to sleep.  In rush hour traffic He lends us a glimpse of the sunrise.  At the grocery store, a kind smile from a stranger. 

Do you know what the problem with the Tower of Babel was?   Our terms.  Our attempt to meet God in our own way, by our own means.  We don't need a tower to reach God.  We just need to invite Him into the everything of our day.  Our meetings, our meals, our to-do list.  Look at Mary and Martha.  Martha's problem was not her to-do list.  It was her lack of joy, her lack of Him.   

So lighten up.  Chances are life isn't going to start slowing down any time soon.  And if it does it won't be that way for long.  Do your laundry.  Feed your family.  Go to work.  Take the downtime when you can get it.  But in the meantime...He is there.  Find Him.

XOXO....Kelly

Starting over....

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation.  Psalm 51:10, 12

Starting over used to be easier.  If I wanted a change, I simply made one.  My hair, the quilt on my bed, the color on my walls.  Spontaneity could happen everyday!

And then some other stuff happened, as is the way of life.  Jobs, a husband, a house, kids, dogs, etc.  People start expecting you to be places...like work and school...on a regular basis.  Getting a hair cut means finding time for an appointment and finding someone to watch the kids while you go.  Do you know how many opinions Kevin has on bedding?  And don't even get me started on paint colors....

But then it turns out those aren't the kind of changes that fulfill me anymore anyway. 

I've started reciting this verse when I wake up in the mornings.  It helps me to remember the kind of change I should be working for.  As I say it I try to imagine that my body is full of sand, sand made up of pride, anger, resentment, envy, criticism.  I picture God's spirit pouring into me, light as air but strong as wind, and pushing the sand out until I can stand up again, free and unburdened.  Some days I move on feeling light and simple all day.  Some days I am full of sand again before breakfast is finished. 

What peace there is to know I can start over again the next day.  All it takes is one deep breath and the willingness to let all that weight go.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew my spirit.
Restore my joy.
For You alone are my salvation.
Amen.

XOXO.....Kelly